
So this past weekend one of my sisters berated me for not being more "real" on my blog. She said everything sounds to happy and good and she thinks that I should open up my deepest and darkest secrets to the whole world... or those who read my blog anyways. Well the truth is, one I really don't feel my deepest darkest self is something I need to share with anybody let alone every body. And two for the most part I am happy. I am in a peaceful place, in a great house, getting to know some great people, have great friends and good family. But I will accept my sisters idea as a challenge and in this post talk about issues that are on my mind.
We ready? She asked for it, so here we go...
I am worried about not having money coming in right now. I just gave up a job in another city that would have been perfect for me. I have my reasons for saying no, and its mostly because of other people and a promise I made. So where is myself preservation in all this? I do have a couple interviews this week but if this offer is the only one I have in the next couple of weeks I may have to take it. But then does this make me a bad friend?
I just bought underwear and a swim suit. They were on sale and both needed. I feel bad. Should I have spent my money on this when I have non coming in? They were cheap and I wont starve and I have enough for rent but still.
I now love cooking, not a bad thing. But I feel I may be eating to much. This bugs me.
My toe is broken that really sucks, I hate it. I have a high pain tolerances so I dont notices things right away until they get bad and then the hurt like hell.
It bugs me that all my tennis stuff is in storage in SLC and I have no running shoes here.
What if I put all this time and energy into my new company and it fails? I don't like the thought of this.
My debt bugs me. And even though I have it managed and I am working my way out of it I just wish I would have been more careful. I never want that to be the reason I cant do something.
Will I ever be the person I want to be? Or should I want to be the person that I am?
Will I ever have a home base? Will I be content one day with being grounded? What will that take? A job? A person? Someday if I want to have kids, is that whats going to do it? Or will I always just freely do what I want to do? Is this a good thing or a bad thing? Can I have both? The world has always been my home but I think to have one place to point to would be nice.
I really want a dog but I know I am not in the right place right now for one.
I wish I was more disciplined. I was when I was younger but as I get older I get less so in some areas, but I see also that I am more so now in others.... interesting.
Do I really believe in everything I think I believe in? And if not what do I really believe?
Will I really be able to go to Paris in the fall and even though it is for my business, should it be a focus for me right now?
I feel I sometimes just talk, with nothing really to say. But others times I feel I do have something really to say and no one listens. Thats annoying.
I need to mediate more and let go. I used to do it for 3 hours a day... yeah that discipline is gone.
I do somethings I wish I didn't. I consider weak in others so I don't like them in myself, but I think thats normal.
I wish people could be more honest with themselves. I think we all think we are but we are not. I think we would all be much more happy in life.
So these are my deepest... well almost my deepest thoughts right now. Some of them I am sure people know and others don't really matter. But while I am out and about in my happy life is beautiful world, these are some of the things going on inside my head or things I am dealing with.
That real enough? ;)
Cheers,
Sassi