Getting Real

So this past weekend one of my sisters berated me for not being more "real" on my blog. She said everything sounds to happy and good and she thinks that I should open up my deepest and darkest secrets to the whole world... or those who read my blog anyways. Well the truth is, one I really don't feel my deepest darkest self is something I need to share with anybody let alone every body. And two for the most part I am happy. I am in a peaceful place, in a great house, getting to know some great people, have great friends and good family. But I will accept my sisters idea as a challenge and in this post talk about issues that are on my mind.

We ready? She asked for it, so here we go...

I am worried about not having money coming in right now. I just gave up a job in another city that would have been perfect for me. I have my reasons for saying no, and its mostly because of other people and a promise I made. So where is myself preservation in all this? I do have a couple interviews this week but if this offer is the only one I have in the next couple of weeks I may have to take it. But then does this make me a bad friend?

I just bought underwear and a swim suit. They were on sale and both needed. I feel bad. Should I have spent my money on this when I have non coming in? They were cheap and I wont starve and I have enough for rent but still.

I now love cooking, not a bad thing. But I feel I may be eating to much. This bugs me.

My toe is broken that really sucks, I hate it. I have a high pain tolerances so I dont notices things right away until they get bad and then the hurt like hell.

It bugs me that all my tennis stuff is in storage in SLC and I have no running shoes here.

What if I put all this time and energy into my new company and it fails? I don't like the thought of this.

My debt bugs me. And even though I have it managed and I am working my way out of it I just wish I would have been more careful. I never want that to be the reason I cant do something.

Will I ever be the person I want to be? Or should I want to be the person that I am?

Will I ever have a home base? Will I be content one day with being grounded? What will that take? A job? A person? Someday if I want to have kids, is that whats going to do it? Or will I always just freely do what I want to do? Is this a good thing or a bad thing? Can I have both? The world has always been my home but I think to have one place to point to would be nice.

I really want a dog but I know I am not in the right place right now for one.

I wish I was more disciplined. I was when I was younger but as I get older I get less so in some areas, but I see also that I am more so now in others.... interesting.

Do I really believe in everything I think I believe in? And if not what do I really believe?

Will I really be able to go to Paris in the fall and even though it is for my business, should it be a focus for me right now?

I feel I sometimes just talk, with nothing really to say. But others times I feel I do have something really to say and no one listens. Thats annoying.

I need to mediate more and let go. I used to do it for 3 hours a day... yeah that discipline is gone.

I do somethings I wish I didn't. I consider weak in others so I don't like them in myself, but I think thats normal.

I wish people could be more honest with themselves. I think we all think we are but we are not. I think we would all be much more happy in life.

So these are my deepest... well almost my deepest thoughts right now. Some of them I am sure people know and others don't really matter. But while I am out and about in my happy life is beautiful world, these are some of the things going on inside my head or things I am dealing with.

That real enough? ;)

Cheers,

Sassi